August 13, 2008

I have been thinking about where I am in my life and how I got here. I have been so blessed to have such sweet and caring daughters and I have an incredible husband whom I would not have wanted to take this journey without.

He is kind and loving and I know he is always on my side. It's really great to know you are loved unconditionally and that is the kind of love I've gotten from him.

I didn't grow up with this type of love, in fact I really didn't think I was loved at all until I gave birth to our first daughter and he was so concerned over what I had been through to bring her into this world. I knew he had been there with me all the way. Even though back then he couldn't go into the delivery room with me.

I grew up wondering who I was and why I was put here on this earth. I don't remember much happiness only critical comments all of the time. A lot of fighting between my parents was also very common, so being married to the man I am has been a joy ride for me because he loves me and I love him.

Right now we are going through a difficult time with my mom. She is 91 years old and has worked hard all of her life but now she is having problems and just doesn't know how to cope with it. She is a very manipulative person and has been very good at it. I have finally reached a point that I can't deal with this anymore. After 66 years there is no more in me to handle this and I feel so much weight on my shoulders. My brother isn't willing to see that she needs to be in a place where they can help her and she can find things to be involved with. She has always been very social and now that she can't go as she would like, she takes it out on us. She thinks I should be up there with her at least 3-4 times a week. There for a while I was doing it but I realize I have had no life of my own. Just being there or worrying about what my mom needed. No, I am not a saint nor do I want to give that impression. I just need a break without feeling guilty for doing anything on our own.

This is without a doubt the most difficult thing I have had to do in my life. Even raising our five daughters can't compare. Of course I was much younger then too but this is hard to become the "mom" instead of the daughter. I know I'm not the first to experience this but I hope I am learning what "not" to do as I age. I have warned several of them to tell me if I get this way and remind me.